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I assume that I am like most people on these apps: We all crave connection and intimacy, but there is nowhere for freshly out young gay men to connect. Feeling alone in a big city, walking from building to building without making a connection, I desperately wanted to meet like-minded individuals, but I found myself resorting to these apps to do that.

But instead of advancing the gay agenda of inclusion, I found the apps to perpetuate what people scorn about LGBT: This is not the fault of the LGBT community, but these depersonalized conversations are what lead to depersonalized relationships. When an introduction to gay culture is through a sex-based app, it perpetuates the sex-based stereotype. Because LGBT still face shame and disownment, our coming out is plagued with fear that we will lose those we love, which leads to a shame-based idea of relationships. Each dating app focuses on a different demographic, with OkCupid, Tinder, and Grindr thriving as probably the three most popular in the mainstream gay community.

OkCupid is for the romantics looking for dates, Tinder is where you browse pictures and compare common Facebook interests before deciding to meet; and Grindr allows one picture and a brief description for guys who are looking for temporary company. I never thought of approaching dating through this screening process, but many people inadvertently find themselves becoming a part of the hook-up culture.

Compared to traditional dating methods, these apps provide many advantages: But because there are thousands of people at your fingertips, it also creates a society of oversharing, superficiality, and instant gratification. Gay men want those perfect relationships that we see in romantic-comedies, instead of the ultimate fear of our generation: But there is nowhere that is not sex-based to connect. LGBT are still considered outcasts of society. Homosexuality, while popularized by the media, is still considered dangerous to teach to our kids.

The way to solve this is through education. The history of talking about sexual orientation to children has been one of fear, regret, and ignorance. I knew which school he meant. There was only one for miles and miles around.

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My hands would shake. My stomach would tie itself in knots. I had quite a few back then. I mentally rifled through names and faces. I instantly recognized him. That much was a relief. And yet, for one reason or another, despite being more or less a background character during the worst years of my life, his was one of the faces of my past I still clearly remembered. I still have nightmares about this person: My mission in these nightmares is to avoid being seen, to hide behind locker doors until I make it to the safety of the bathroom. But I am always seen, and when I am, it feels like the monster caught me.

I wake up sweating. I put my hand to my heart. I think it was the casual way he joined in on the harassment that made me hate him. I came to see him as the embodiment of what had happened to me. He was everyone who could have helped me. And so, I carried his voice with me for years. As I got older, I became impossible to argue with or criticize.

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Whenever someone tried to confront me, even in a respectful way, I would see his face again. I would hear his voice. I would feel ganged up on. I would become defensive. I would lash out. But it only made me angrier. I was angry all the time. How could I not be? If I ever let my guard down, someone would hurt me again.

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Day in and day out, I felt like a cornered animal. My body would scream, Attack. Before I knew those words, I knew him. I remember you. I recalled, of all things, a tree outside my old apartment in Oklahoma City.

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It was warped and crazy-shaped. This was because, as my landlady explained to me, the tree had grown up and around something instead of straight up.

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That was me: This experience had altered me. Changed me, in some irreversible way. All those years of remembering, carrying, and suffering over this person, and he probably never thought about me at all after I moved away. I had to walk for a while.

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I breathed into my hands to warm my nose as I crunched along the gravel road, trying to clear my head. Just like me. Yes, he had hurt me. Yes, he was wrong to hurt me. But I realized he was a victim too.